My name is Lynn, well my middle name is, and this is the story of my journey. First, let me give you a few fun facts about me.
I run and manage every aspect of LSMentor. Also, I am an INFJ, according to Myers-Briggs, the eldest of five children, mother to one, and aunt to two. I live in Texas, though I was born in the northeastern United States.
At one point, I moved back to the northeast temporarily to help my family. I guess you can say helping people is in my blood. In fact, it started when I was a child. My mother loved telling the story of the day I met my first little sister, which exemplifies my helping nature.
The story goes: My mother left me with her parents while she and my father went to the hospital. A few days later, my mother returned with this sweet, warm, squishy baby in her arms. As soon as she walked in the door, I was there to greet her. She bent down slightly, holding her newest bundle of joy, and I looked at that scrunched up face for a moment.
Then, without saying a word or looking away, I took the pacifier from my mouth and put it in my sister’s mouth. I placed my security blanket on my sister. From that moment, I was on a mission to take care of my sister, the three siblings after her, and everyone who came into my life since then.
This desire to help people is what shaped my mission for LSMentor. My personal struggle with relationships defined how I would help others like you. If anyone knows about atypical relationships, it is me. This is my journey…
The Starting Line
In high school, I experienced a beautiful relationship with two special people. My then-boyfriend and I shared an intimate, close-knit bond, but our relationship did not include the one thing most people expect to have in a relationship. We abstained from having a sexual relationship together. Not having the same religious views as my boyfriend could have caused a major problem in our relationship for someone as sexually expressive as me.
Luckily, we did not let that stop us from having what we each needed or from keeping our relationship healthy. We discussed our needs and wants openly and decided to try something no one else around us was doing. The third person into our relationship existed for the sole purpose of fulfilling my sexual needs. We communicated openly throughout this adventure and addressed challenges with the understanding that our relationship came first.
I was able to explore my need for physical connection with this addition to our relationship, though I remained emotionally bonded to my boyfriend. Neither of us felt compromised. In fact, our emotional connection grew exponentially from this experience! We continued that way until both connections ran their course, but that experience stayed with me.
Searching for Something More
Shortly after graduating high school, I lost sight of that beautiful connection I felt and the freedom to explore sexually within the security of a well-established relationship. Instead, I fell into the trap that most people do: I let others decide how my relationship should be. Patriarchal monogamy and female fidelity were the standards that my family and friends impressed upon me.
I sought happiness in a stable, supportive, nurturing relationship. Yet, I spent years yearning for something more in a relationship and hiding my true nature from the men I dated because I adhered to other’s expectations. When monogamy frustrated me, I tried serial monogamy. I did not want to hurt anyone, but I felt stifled, alone, and unable to explore my sexuality. Feeling as though I did not belong in those relationships, I worried there was something wrong with me.
Then, I discovered “underground” lifestyles. I explored different lifestyles. I tried swinging, open relationships, polyamorous relationship, monogamy, poly-monogamy, Female-Led-Relationships, and BDSM to name a few. Meanwhile, I searched for a relationship design about which I felt passionate. Each lifestyle provided new experiences, but none held my attention, nor were they what I needed. Nothing quite fit. I felt like a failure at love and relationships.
Nowhere to Go But Up
This affected me deeply and I felt like I had hit rock bottom in my romantic life. I struggled to find fulfillment while hiding my true nature and my needs. Though I wanted to enjoy my ideal relationship, I was unprepared for how to share myself with someone else. I avoided discussing my needs. I dated men I thought fit the profile of “my future husband.” I reshaped myself to hide my true nature, foolishly hoping love would bring acceptance. Instead, I became an expert at reinventing myself; I was a relationship chameleon.
By my late twenties, I was emotionally crippled by the fear of sharing my true nature. I was in an unhealthy relationship, living in a stressful home environment, isolated, struggling with depression and financial trouble, and wondering what went wrong. Mistakenly, I thought that admitting what I was doing was not working would be more painful than continuing the vicious cycle of disappointment and hurt feelings.
I felt lost and hopeless, but those relationships were valuable experiences. Without them, I would not know myself as intimately as I do today. However, the roles I played in those relationships did not match what I felt inside. I knew I was wired differently than anything I tried being. It was time to get real and face my fears.
Helping people change is easy. Personal change is difficult and terrifying. Thinking you are the problem in your relationship makes the idea of personal change seem like a never-ending, daunting, and impossible task. Thankfully, I was rescued from myself before I lost all hope.
Merely by happenstance, I rediscovered the type of relationship I had in high school. Suddenly, it was as if a lightning struck me! I realized I was not the problem all along! I was not a bad person because my needs were different from those around me. Nor did I have to settle for rotating short-term relationships to have what I needed! I thought about everything that worked, and everything that did not work, in each of the relationships and lifestyles I explored in the previous decade.
I realized that, from the outside, it seemed like I was the problem because I was the common denominator. Simple mathematics, right? Well, not when it comes to relationships. Personal flaws did not cause my relationships to fail. Failure was a result of incompatibility with the men I dated. I could fix those problems with one simple solution: stay true to myself, be transparently honest with others, and let love and the right person find me.
Over the next few years, along with personal development, I developed a relationship concept that helped me express my needs. It is called The FCR Concept, which is the core of everything I share through LSMentor. Eventually, this led to using this concept to teach others how to correct common relationship challenges, which often get mistaken for personal flaws.
Sharing My Discovery
When I was lost, hopeless, and downtrodden, learning about myself felt wonderful. However, that was the easier part of the process. Sharing my discovery with others was more difficult.
I explored every element, value, need and want that I considered part of my ideal relationship. By using what I learned from my past, I experienced and developed workable solutions to common challenges I faced with the men I dated during this time. My personal exploration became a relationship design, which I call Contemporary Cuckoldry.
By applying The FCR Concept, I learned that I need a relationship that explores Contemporary Cuckoldry. This led to wasting less time, energy, and emotional investment on incompatible matches. Instead, I focused on what worked, which freed me to seek a relationship with someone who wants and appreciates everything I bring to a relationship. Enter, Compatibility!
Focusing on compatibility, transparency, and integrity, led to an exponential increase in my happiness as well as clarity about my identity and how my needs in a relationship reflected my identity. This led me to leave my last unfulfilling relationship and inspired me to focus on sharing my relationship needs in a loving, nurturing, and mutually beneficial way. As I nurtured myself, my heart and mind were cleared of all chaos. New opportunities opened up as I left my comfort zone and headed toward my dreams! It was incredible.
Enlightenment and a New Passion
Lessons in love always come from hindsight, unfortunately. I suppose this is why, when someone meets me, they ask about my relationship history. One man asked what my healthiest relationship was. I told him right then, without hesitation or reservation, that it was my first relationship in high school. He was surprised to hear that because, at that age, most people do not know much about life and relationships.
The more I thought about it, the clearer the reason for my answer became. I had a healthy relationship then because I was new to everything! I did not know what I was doing was different. It felt right for me and worked for my relationship. I did not know that other people opposed my view on relationships. My partner was happy and we were enjoying what we had. We were inexperienced and undaunted, and we were exploring happily together.
Our naivety led to questions, which led to honest and open communication. This ensured that everyone benefited from the relationship without setting ourselves up for failure.
However, the more relationship history I acquired, the more I thought I already knew, and the less I communicated. This was my first step toward unhappiness. Then, I made the common mistake of letting others influence my decision-making. I listened to friends, family, and other people I admired.
I let their judgments, fears, and insecurities change my perception. Their issues prevented them from pursuing anything that might make them stand out in a crowd. I let that closed-minded thinking alter my path, which resulted in spending the next two decades trying to find happiness again.
Looking Back and Moving Forward
If I knew then what I know now, I would have told people outside of my relationship to mind their business. Ignoring their narrow beliefs, fear-based judgments, and insecurities, I would have pursued what made me happy. I would not have wasted the better part of twenty years searching, nor would I have had many failed relationships or suffered much heartache. Instead, I would have had better experiences with more compatible partners, which would have led to being happier sooner and with more consistency.
This enlightenment helped me help others and bring people closer through vulnerability and transparency. While on my journey, I discovered a passion for mentoring. Since sometime around 2002, I have shared my journey by writing publicly. Two years later, I began mentoring others on various relationship topics, lifestyles, and skill sets they use to add joy, harmony, and intimacy to their relationships.
Now I help others who are struggling like I was. I know how hard it is doing this on your own. You deserve to live your dreams and I am honored to be your guide.